Sunday, January 11, 2009

A Guide to Better Parties

Good Idea: Ugly Christmas Sweater Party

The Ugly Christmas Sweater Party has really taken off in the last several years.  In this type of gathering everybody wears an “ugly” holiday sweater in an effort to have the “ugliest” sweater at the event.  The reason for the “quotation marks” is that “ugly” is a completely subjective term, sweaters I would not be caught dead in (embroidered Christmas trees with  actual, functioning, metal bells, a cardigan with a menorah split in half by the line of vertical buttons or a knit version of Santa’s sleigh with a blinking red light for Rudolph’s nose that is powered by a “AA” battery pack in the under-arm area) are actually acceptable in some social circles (secretaries, public school teachers, a few of my friends mothers, etc.).   Think about the awkwardness that would ensue if you showed up to one of these functions in a sweater you think is hilarious and your boss’ wife is wearing the same thing because she thinks it’s chic and fashionable...devastating for everyone involved.  Another issue with the “Ugly Sweater Party” is going out after the party, if the gathering ends early and everybody goes out to a bar, you are chopped and screwed because you are dressed like a buffoon with the only options being to go out in the middle of winter wearing only a T-Shirt or go clubbin’ shirtless (an activity I have engaged in several times, all completely unrelated to holiday-themed sweaters).  This kind of party falls into the same category as the Detroit Lions drafting another wide receiver, it looks good on paper, but fails miserably in practice.  

Better Idea: Closet Alcoholic/Drunk Uncles Party

This holiday party idea takes it’s inspiration from dysfunctional families everywhere and allows everybody to get sloppy drunk without the inconveniences of snide comments from family members or participating in some kind of “Secret Santa” foolishness.  Here’s the deal: The party starts at somebody’s house at 8pm, there is a nice spread of food, maybe some parlor games or football on TV, everybody is smartly dressed, and most importantly there is absolutely NO ALCOHOL served at the party.  This is where the fun starts, everybody has to sneak their own booze into the house anyway they can (traditional flasks filled with Everclear, drinking vanilla extract from the baking pantry, filling family heirlooms with bourbon and those sandals with flasks hidden in the soles are all good ideas to start, but the more creative the better).  The main idea is that no one can see any drinking, if anybody gets caught sippin’ they get kicked out, but everybody has to be loaded by midnight.  The host should then set up some taxis to take everyone to a local bar or nightclub where this group will surely be the life of the party and the person who was the best at the game (aka the drunkest) will probably not make it out due to excessive vomiting and possible unconsciousness.  

Good Idea: Pimps and Hoes Party

This is the party where men dress up as Pimps and women dress as “Escorts,” “Ladies of the Night,” or “Message Therapists.” And everybody has a great time celebrating the illegal sex-trade that produces STD’s, unwanted pregnancies and drug addiction in a vicious cycle that continues to plague inner cities, young people and most minority and lower income segments of our population...what a blast!

Better Idea: Teenage Runaway Party

If we are going to celebrate this lifestyle, let’s keep it real.  This party is held outside in the middle of winter, everybody comes naked and has to rummage through dumpsters to find outfits for the night, then they are assigned the task of attaining, by any means necessary (shoplifting, sticking somebody up, panhandling), party goods like drinks, chips, finger snacks, and the materials to make a sign saying “Homeless, Pregnant + Hungry.”  The person that gets all the stuff on the list first gets to sleep in their car with an extra pair of pants (provided by the host), everybody else has to huddle together and sleep under a highway overpass.  

Good Idea: Boyz N Da Hood Party

College students that have recently seen “Boyz N Da Hood” for the first time and are possibly familiar with “Friday,” but are usually completely oblivious to Ice Cube’s music career dress up like West Coast gang bangers, drink 40’s and punctuate their speech with more “What Up Dawg’s?” and “You’re my Beeotch!” as the night goes on and the Old English hits them harder.  The dress code usually includes hairnets, plaid shirts with only the top button closed, wife beaters and baggy jeans and the soundtrack for the evening is known to include such “Thugged Out” artists as Will Smith, Nelly and Montell Jordan.  

Better Idea: Cosby Kid Party

Everybody wears their best sweater, tailor-fitted slacks and  loafers and then stands around enjoying light appetizers, some merlot and discussing recently attended jazz festivals and how much they hate rappers.  Promptly at 10pm the cocktail tables are cleared and there is a step-show, the party winds down soon after because everyone has to get up early the next morning to go antiquing or attend a board of trustees meeting at their alma mater.  This party should be highly exclusive and held in a brownstone in Harlem and there should be password-only invitations, with the exchange going something like this:

Bouncer: What’s your favorite Miles Davis album?

Guest: “Kind Of Blue”

Bouncer: Good answer, if you would have said “Bitch’s Brew” I would have had to kick you out because we do not disrespect women here. 

Good Idea: Super Sweet 16

Anybody that has watched MTV in the last 5 years knows how this works: a wealthy teenager has a gala event involving banquet halls, luxury cars, musical performances and various costume changes to celebrate the fact that she has made it to the age of 16. Viewed in the context that the average American lives to be about 73 years old, this is not that big of an accomplishment.  

Better Idea: Mega 32 Party

Twice the years, twice the party! But here’s the deal, instead of making it 16 year-olds’ fantasy the party is going to be filled with 32 year old fantasies, such as:

A bar stocked with Gin, Scotch and other angry old man drinks,the dress code for the night is Dockers, tucked in polo shirts and braided leather belts and as a party favor everybody gets a 1.5% tax break.  And to top it all off,  at the end of the night instead of my parents giving me a Benz or a BMW, I’m  going to announce to everyone that I just leased myself a Nissan.  

And the crowd will go CRAZY like:

“I can’t believe he got himself the Maxima, I was expecting the Altima, but he went ahead and got the Maxima! This is the best night of my life!”

“Oh my god! He got he Special Edition with the sport floor mats, this is sick!  It’s gonna take me a week to recover from this party!”

Good Idea: Edward 40 Hands

People actually tape 40’s to both hands and can not remove them until they have drank all of the “beer” in both bottles.  This normally results in people vomiting, passing out, and feeling like they got hit by a truck the next morning because human beings are not supposed to consume 80 ounces of cheap malt liquor in one sitting.  If you presented this idea to a destitute homeless person I guarantee their response would be “Man, take it easy!”

Better Idea: Philly Sports Fan Party

The party starts at 8pm and for the first four hours everybody mopes around being overweight, having mustaches, wearing outdated Phillies and Eagles merchandise and  basically looking like they are a bar-back at the most downtrodden sports bar in the country while incessantly complaining about bad officiating, the unfairness of the salary cap and William Penn’s curse.  Then at mid-night everybody completely loses their sh*t!  People remove their shirts and rampage through their own neighborhood destroying personal property, flipping over cars, lighting municipal buildings on fire and attacking police officers for no apparent reason other than they are elated that the date has changed.  The next morning, instead of going to a quiet brunch and returning to their normal lives, these people should attend a ticker-tape parade held by the city to celebrate their animalistic behavior and encourage them to do it again next time they are at a social gathering and it turns midnight.  

As of this writing there is a very real possibility that the Philadelphia Eagles will play the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XLIII.  This epic clash between the blue-collar, hard- working, hard-nosed, smash-mouth and whatever other hyphenated adjectives Steelers fans use to describe themselves and the openly white-trash Eagle fans will create the most dangerous set of risk factors for extended rioting and real destruction that the US has seen in years, there is a chance the entire state of Pennsylvania will be wiped out for good.  I don’t want to see either team win the Super Bowl (or any game for that matter), but if it leads to the annihilation of Pennsylvania, a state so useless that the best things to come out of it (The Office, Rocky) are all fake, it is a price I am willing to pay.

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