Phrases I Hate

I normally go out of my way not to come off like “The Mad Blogger,” however, the following phrases make me physically ‘effin angry and I feel the need to explain why.

“Joe Six-Pack,” “Joe Public” or “Joe The Plumber”

The way our aristocratic politicians refer to the general public should enrage us, however nobody but me seems bothered in the least. When a politician or anybody else addresses the masses in the dumbed-down, lowest-common denominator demeanor used extensively throughout the last presidential election they are basically telling you that they think you are an idiot and incapable of comprehending world issues on the appropriate scale. Now, I understand why this is done: most people are not that bright and need to be spoon-fed concepts in order not to get frustrated and change the channel back to football or American Idol, but why have we grown to accept this and when did we stop trying to get better?

I am not exceptionally bright (I have amassed several degrees because I am the academic equivalent of Wayne Chrebet-a little talent and a lot of work has allowed me to out-perform what most would expect), however, I take classes, read outside of those classes, listen to challenging and progressive music, try to engage in intelligent conversation and produce this blog in an effort to make myself better. I am not content being the stereotypical binge eating and drinking, reality-television watching, fantasy football playing, top-40 radio listening, bad credit having, USA Today reading American that has made so many poor lifestyle choices that I now require a daily regimen of prescription drugs that I can not afford. The problem is that instead of being offended when people in power refer to “Joe Six-Pack” and rebelling against the idea that we are all fat, stupid, pill-popping buffoons, we accept it as a term of endearment. There is NOTHING endearing about what these people think of us!

The fact that we have all given up on being better tomorrow then we are today is evident all around us: I grew up in a town with the right demographics for hundreds of hair/nail salons, but not one major bookstore, I work across the street (Literally 30 yds.) from one of the largest libraries in New Jersey and the overwhelming majority of my co-workers have never even been inside the building much less checked out books and we continue to support the most asinine music/movies/television, while anything with intelligence or substance is ignored (if the media conglomerates that control the entertainment industry even allow it to reach the general public).

By no means do I think I’m perfect, I enjoy a good night out as much as anybody else, occasionally I like the escapism of a slapstick movie and I probably have as much “stupid” party music in my iPod as anybody else. But, I occasionally take a break from watching the Jets and listening to 50 Cent to read a book, take a class or discuss the state of the world with my peers.

“This project is your baby.”

Of all the things you can hear from your boss, this has got to be the worst. Creating a baby requires an awe inspiring chain of events, both biological and (hopefully) emotional. Developing a new way for salesmen to track travel expenses or putting the client database on a new server is nothing like creating a new human life. The fact that anyone in any position of power could ever compare a work project to something as significant as childbirth means they are a complete imbecile and you should not have to answer to them anymore.

“I can’t make fun of my job” or “I love my company” or any variation of these statements

Having any kind of allegiance to the company you work for beyond doing what is in your job description is ridiculous. As an employee you are an investment that is worth EXACTLY your salary, nothing more, nothing less.

For most of us this means we are worth more than our company issued computer, but less than the operating system that computer runs on. If you think I am wrong try this experiment: Call your boss and tell him/her you are not feeling well and need a few days to recover and you will get no response at all. Tell that same boss the computer system is down and will need a few days to recover and watch him/her loose their damn mind.

“I want to get an iPhone, but I don’t have AT&T”

Why do people treat their cell phone carrier like a member of the family? I currently use Verizon (I have used several over the past decade, mainly because I have moved several times and was unable to get service where I relocated), and I am pretty happy with the service-good reception, cool phones and rates that are, for the most part fair. However, this is strictly a business agreement, when a better product comes along Verizon will have no sentimental value that will not allow me to change companies in order to get a better or cheaper service.

Also, if your phone company was a family member it would be like the cousin you hate and purposely don’t invite to holidays. I would have no affection for a family member that lured me in with promises and then didn’t deliver once I signed a multi-year agreement, constantly changed rates and billing structures and dropped calls every time I drove on Route 3.

Lastly, I find the fact that all cell phones come with a customer service number pre-programed in the memory a little amusing. If you can call the phone company with your cell phone, obviously there is no problem and you don’t need to talk to the phone company.

Verbal Self-Defense Training

I work in an urban area, where apparently a lot of kids get beat up, which has caused a large number of especially enterprising ‘hood-dwellers to open Self-Defense schools in the area. Now, I am not entirely sold on the idea that young urban males should take classes to be more deadly, but the overabundance of martial arts schools in my neighborhood has planted the seeds of a new business concept in my brain: Verbal Self Defense Training.

How many times have you seen an otherwise intelligent, articulate person freeze like a deer in headlights as soon as someone makes fun of them? It is unbelievable how a comment like “I’m losing my hair, but at least I’m not bald like _________” can ruin someone’s day (or several days) if they are unable to neutralize the threat and come back with a similarly witty comment. While I plan this business to be highly profitable for myself (after Year 1 I will finalize the business plan and begin selling franchises), I also feel I will be doing a great service to society. Think about how many people will be able to stop taking anti-depressants and the drastic drop in school/workplace violence once people are trained to verbally defend themselves instead of getting sonned by everybody they know and letting those feelings of inadequacy fester in their psyches for years.

This idea is obviously in its infancy, but here are a few of the principles on which I will base my techniques:

Making fun of yourself is completely off limits: Some people argue that if you mock yourself and laugh with others you will get made fun of less. I say this is bullsh*t, you have to go hard! The cornerstone of my philosophy will be mercilessly harassing people with no holds barred and nothing sacred. Your target bursting into tears is just the start of the journey.

Anything about your target is fair game: Weight, Religion, Personal Hygiene, Height, Fashion Choices, Sexual Orientation, Learning Disabilities, Personality Disorders, Financial Status, Credit History, Hair (or lack thereof), Schools Attended, Career, Their Spouse and Kids, Prescription Medications Taken on a Regular Basis, Music/Movie/TV Preferences or a family history of diabetes are just the tip of the iceberg of ways to publicly humiliate a person.

Physical Self Defense is Important Too: The school will also have a branch dedicated toward strength & agility training as well as martial arts and gun safety because some of the stuff that will come out of your mouth will potentially get you beaten to a bloody pulp.

Sample “Come Backs” to Antagonizers:

If you’re antagonizer is overweight:

1)
Student: What are you being for Halloween?
Fat Antagonizer: Paris Hilton
Student: Really? You should put some underwear over your face and use your large, bulbous head as J-Lo’s ass.

2)
Student: You should go skydiving and use your XXXL North Face as a parachute.

3)
Student: Who are you voting for?
Fat Antagonizer: Obama.
Student: Oh yeah? Well, now I’m gonna vote for McCain just to cancel out your fat-ass vote.

4) Only possible if Fat Antagonizer is crying:

Student: I’ll tell you what, don’t be so sad, I have a king-size bed, how about you come over and use my sheets to wipe those humongous tears from your fat eyes!

5)
Student: What’s your dress size, voting booth?


If your antagonizer is threatening violence and you need to threaten him back AND he happens to have a beard:

1)
Student: I’ll beat that beard off you like that bouncer in Miami did to Trick Daddy! (Google Image this mug shot if you are not familiar)

2)
Student: You’re gonna whip my A**? You’re gonna need a lot more back up than that poor man’s Chuck Norris on your face!

If you’re antagonizer is eating a taco salad:

There’s more meat in that taco salad than in your pants.

Granted, it is a rare occasion when someone will be simultaneously eating a taco salad and antagonizing you, but you are paying top dollar and will walk out of the class ready for anything.

The Roots and Gym Class Heroes in NYC

I recently had the chance to check out Estelle, Gym Class Heroes and The Roots at Roseland Ballroom in NYC. I attended the show with my friends Amber, Lucy and Danny and I think it is safe to say, a great time was had by all.

Estelle: I don’t know much about this woman except that she is English and more than likely a one-hit wonder (I am not hating on this, because I have yet to have one hit, so she’s beating me there). We missed her portion of the show because we chose to go to an Applebees for “dinner.” This “dinner” cost over $200 and my friends were quick to blame higher prices in the city and NY state sales tax, I blame the fact that the only food consumed was a quesadilla and the rest of the “meal” came in shot glasses and thick glass goblets. Although we missed her performance I am fairly confident it consisted of a few songs that were ignored by the crowd, concluded with “American Boy” and a shout out to Kanye West and the date her album is dropping. I was not at all upset that I missed this.

Gym Class Heroes: I have mentioned how much I like them before, but I am going to make this statement, even though I’m not sure it’s a real word: they are the funnest band in America! They make fun party music, they seem to enjoy themselves and their mix of rap/rock/R&B is as infectious as Pamela Anderson. After a few songs from their early albums (of which I was unaware) they got into the hits from “As Cruel as School Children” and “The Quilt” and it was on. Travis McCoy reminds me of Will Smith if “Big Willy” was cool and not a sexually ambiguous scientologist (I really hope Eminem gets at him on “Relapse). Either way, the performance was sick and it ended with a tribute to the ‘80s and girls with a cover of “When Doves Cry” “Clothes Off!” and “Cookie Jar” (best song this year not involving Lil’ Wayne). Awesome.

The Roots: I have seen The Roots like five times and I have figured this much out: there are two versions of this band. There is the Hip-Hop version that tours with Lupe Fiasco, does “Unplugged” with Jay-Z and puts out songs like “Get Busy.” Then there is the Pop/Rock/College Radio version that performs at hippie festivals, gets love from Rolling Stone and collaborates with Nora Jones. This performance was clearly the latter: they covered “Sweet Child O’Mine,” did “The Seed 2.0” (which I love), played “rock” versions of most of their album cuts and performed their biggest crossover hit “You Got Me” with Estelle instead of Erekah Badu. This set-list made sense because they were not in a traditional hip-hop venue, Gym Class Heroes do not have a large hip-hop fan base and Continental Airlines Arena was hosting Power 105.1’s Power Jam the same night, which means 20,000 NY/NJ hip-hop heads were listening to T-Pain sing into his computer while The Roots tore down this stage (it is not a fair world).

The Roots broke from their own material to introduce Q-Tip, who performed a few songs with the band and his new single “Getting’ Up.” After a few more Roots songs Mos Def came out and thoroughly impressed the crowd by performing several of his classic verses. To end the night The Roots played the beat from “Men at Work” while Black Thought did a dead-on Kool G Rap (the guy Jay-Z mentions in “Encore”) impersonation. This was possibly the highlight of the show for rap fans like myself, however a large majority of the crowd stood around and looked confused as to why he was sweating profusely and feverishly rapping with a lisp.

The show was cool and Roseland Ballroom is a great venue, hopefully they will have more good shows in the near future.

Jay-Z In Philly

On Friday, October 24th Philadelphia’s Power 97 (or something like that) had their annual Power Jam concert at the Wachovia Center (clearly a name change is in the works).  I am well aware a similar show is coming to the Izod Center, which is 10 minutes from my house, on Tuesday, but I was so fired up to hear about a Jay-Z show coming around that I immediately bought tickets even though it would entail traveling to the worst city in North America.  Luckily the common Philly trash did not disrupt the show by acting like the ignorant lummoxes we all know they are.  Nobody started chants about their embarrassing sports teams, started yelling about Rocky or stabbed a guy to look like a bad ass on their street DVD...so in that respect it was a good night for the people of the City of Brotherly Love. 

I went to the show with my friend Don, we met close to two years ago and quickly bonded over a mutual love of hip-hop and a mutual hatred of buffoonery. Don was nice enough to drive in exchange for a ride to Philly the next time we have to visit that festering cesspool of a city. 

The events of the actual concert are as follows: 

Keisha Cole: From what I understand Keisha Cole is one hell of a singer, however I wouldn’t have guessed it from her performance because it entailed excessive amounts of waving the mic at the crowd for us to sing her lyrics, she probably sang 25 lines total over the course of a 30 min. show.  I paid close to a hundred dollars for these tickets and I don’t want to sing YOUR songs, I want to sit down like a gentleman and be entertained, apparently that is too much to ask.  I am not too familiar with her entire catalog, but she has a lot of songs about letting things go, in fact I think that line is in close to all of her songs.  I estimate that in 30 min. she let go of 50 or 60 items, including: her triflin’ man, her painful past, her messed up family and her weave.  There was no mention of her dress, which was clearly about to “let go” of her boobs.  It was a little strapless number that was clearly made for a 12 year old and not what she had going on.  At the conclusion of her performance she reminded the crowd to tune-in to her BET reality show, so you could watch her “let go” of even more stuff from the comfort of your own home.    

T-Pain: This man is a buffoon! He danced around to other people’s songs, sang into the computer, did a freestyle that kinda dissed Roger Troutman (this is foul on two counts: first, he’s dead and second, he originated the Auto-Tune sound...youtube “Computer Love” and get familiar). He rapped/sang/yelled about having money and strippers and how he is the “ring leader of the industry” seemingly oblivious to the fact that he’s not even the “ring leader” of his own label (Akon’s his boss).  The crowd of Philly trash ate this up, I was pretty indifferent and Don was enraged about the level of buffoonery he just witnessed, luckily the next act calmed him down.

Ne-Yo:   The Gentleman put on a great show: awesome three piece suit, great songs, really good band and back-up dancers and expert song selection and pacing.  The only way this performance could have been better is if he took off his suit jacket and was wearing Young Berg’s Transformer chain.  

Jay-Z/TI/Ludacris: After a lengthy break that involved listening to most of the “Sweat” half of Nelly’s “Sweat Suit” album and the new Coldplay song twice, Jay Hova came out and he did not disappoint!  This is the third time I have seen the Jay this year and the show doesn’t change much, but it’s so close to perfection that it’s hard to complain.  He went through a lot of the American Gangster album and a few older classics before he got to “What More Can I Say?” as he got to the end of the first verse he said “Bring ‘em out, Bring ‘em out!” and TI rushed the stage to perform his hit of the same name.  

TI came out bundled up like he was walking from Geno’s to the Palestra in late January, but steadily removed layers as he progressed through older hits and selections from the bangin’ “Paper Trail.”  By the time he performed “Whatever you like’ he was shirtless (removing like 6 layers) and almost pants-less (due to lack of a belt), luckily he kept it together, because as much as I like that song I think it would have lost something if I saw him perform it sans pants.  When he got to “Top of the World” Ludacris joined him onstage to the complete shock of the crowd, they finished that song and Luda did “Move!” without putting down his bottle of Jack Daniels.  TI came back and finished his set, culminating in “Swagger Like Us” when Jay came back out to bat clean up. 

Jay finished the set with an unbelievably long list of classics and then brought out home town favorites State Property.  This “reunion” was lackluster to say the least: Sigel was a no show, O, Sparks and Peedi were no where to be found and Freeway, Chris and Neef were brought to the stage in a kind of hip-hop “show and tell.”  The most positive thing about this part of the concert was that The Young Guns were not allowed to perform “Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop.”  I was actually pretty disappointed in this part of the show because I can count the things from Philadelphia that don’t disgust me on one hand: State Property, The Roots, Mitch Canopus (a guy I work with), the sneaker store UBIQ, and...damn, I guess that’s it.  

The show concluded with Jay-Z talking politics and telling the crowd to get home safe (a nod to Philadelphia’s incredibly violent population).  

Overall it was a sick show and it was definitely worth a trip to my least favorite place on earth. 

Under and Over Rated 3

Under Rated

Alternative Neck Wear: When choosing neck wear men should have more choices than: Windsor or Half Windsor. We have been brainwashed by fashion magazines and other forms of media that the only appropriate neck wear is the traditional tie. This narrow-minded approach to formal wear leaves out such viable options as the Neckerchief, Bolo, Cravat and my personal favorite, the regal and refined ascot. There are people that ascribe to the mantra “Alternative Neckwear = Alternative Lifestyle.” This statement is unequivocally untrue. I am 100% heterosexual and 100% interested in wearing ascots and neckerchiefs, in fact I believe most women find a man wearing a button down shirt with any type of scarf absolutely irresistible.

The “Second Team” in Various Cities: Everybody knows New York is a Yankee’s Town and the Lakers dominate LA’s fan base, however there is something to be said for a team that remains in a city where they are not even the most important baseball or basketball team in that market, it’s like putting a moderately sized, heated swimming pool in your backyard and then Disney opens a massive water park right next door. While these teams are pretty entertaining, it’s their fans that are really interesting: the Chicago thugs and hooligans that root for the White Sox instead of the Cubs (it’s not a coincidence that the White Sox hat was a symbol for thuggery for people like Dr. Dre and Jodeci), the white trash Jet fans that are usually unemployed, drunk and wanted by the authorities for unpaid child support or other warrants, these fans have all the characteristics of Eagle fans (bad facial hair included) but have not figured out they should move 75 miles south for more opportunities in the packing, shipping and general warehousing industries, Clipper fans that think it’s acceptable to root for a team that has sucked for half a century and on any given night is probably the 1,500th most interesting thing happening in LA, and Met fans that are oblivious to the fact that even if they win 10 World Series in a row, the Yankee’s version of the “NY” logo will always be the symbol of the city. There is something to be said for unwavering devotion to teams like these...although I’m not sure what it is.

A Good Buffet: Buffet’s are everything that is good about restaurants (variety, expertly prepared food, ambiance) and nothing that is bad (waiting to be served and deciding what to order). Also, Buffet’s are often associated with resort cities like Vegas and AC, but I have been to amazing “All You Can Eat” extravaganzas in towns as diverse as Fuquay-Varina NC, Christiansburg VA, St. Petersburg FL and Lakewood NJ. If you want to find a good buffet you need to think outside of the chafing dish.

Drinking in the Woods: If you grew up in the suburbs you either associate drinking in the woods with the best times of your life or the “bad kids” you were afraid of. Either way, you cannot argue the greatness of combining a case of MGD with a heavily wooded area. For proof of this, just look to all the “adult” recreational activities we engage in that are all slight variations on drinking in the woods: Camping, Paintball, Hiking, White Water Rafting and Golf.



Over Rated

Sober Britney Spears: Upon hearing Britney’s new single “Womanizer” I immediately decided her music was infinitely better when she was out of her mind on drugs, walking around barefoot and having kids with K-Fed. The songs from that “Era of Britney” like “Toxic” (the very beginning of the bizarre behavior), “Gimme More” and “Break the Ice” are so much better than the new Britney with her life together. As a side note about a month ago some pictures came out of Britney in a bathing suit and the media declared she was “Back and Better than Ever!” While I applaud her efforts at physical fitness, there was no mention of whether she was singing, dancing or writing. So, basically she was in good shape to be a swimsuit model, but not really a singer or entertainer.

Bottle Service: Paying a grand for a $30 bottle of vodka and some cranberry juice is asinine…that’s all I have to say about this.

Touch Screen Phones: If you have been following this blog, you already know my opinions on ringtones (they are stupid) and other forms of useless technology (pretty much anything sold in Sky Mall). However, there is no excuse for the way adults are losing their minds over the new iPhone clones that have touch screen technology. Touch Screens are not new; they have been employed in “touch games” in dive bars for at least a decade and probably longer than that in the chain restaurant industry. When I see somebody take one of these phones out of their pockets I’m not sure if they are returning a text message, trying to point out minor differences between pictures of “Studs and Babes” or sending an order for a Blooming Onion back to the kitchen.

C.R.E.A.M.

Note: This was written in Spring 2008, before the economic crisis this fall.

As I grow older and more mature (not necessarily the same thing) I become more and more confused with the youth of today. I also realize that “youth” is a subjective term that is constantly in a state of flux because medical science continues to find ways to prolong the expected life-spans of human being into the triple digits, ways for women to have children well beyond the natural child bearing age and surgical procedures that allow the very wealthy to look like they are 25 well into their 60’s. Taking all of these factors into account I believe the overwhelming majority of Americans consider “youth” to be from birth until college graduation. This is the developmental period when the offspring should attain the proper knowledge and skills (through schooling, home life, and other influences) to become a self-sufficient and productive member of society. The fact that many “youth” make it all the way through college without even a fraction of the skill set required of American adults should tell us that there is a problem somewhere along the line. Where exactly this happens is arguable, however, the fact that American colleges unleash tens of thousands of graduates every year into our society that have no idea how to balance a check book, finance a car or handle a credit card, is not.
This year President Bush has authorized a payment of $600 to a large segment of the US population to “invigorate the economy.” Unfortunately, the problem with the economy is not that 20-somethings working their first job do not have a Playstation 3 or Louis Vuitton’s spring handbag, because honestly, this is where most of this money will go. The problem is that people in this age group spend money like the “Reality TV Stars” they have grown up watching with no regard for the fact that not everybody can afford designer clothing, expensive cars and lavish Sweet 16 parties. However, this is not a diatribe against the wealthy, if you can afford to buy your daughter a Range Rover and a $300,000 gala with a performance from 50 Cent for her sixteenth birthday, without even noticing the money is gone, who’s to tell you not to do that? But, if you are a student or entry level employee struggling to put gas in your car (not to mention the high-interest rate monthly payments on that car) a $500 purse or a weekend in Vegas is not for you. There is nothing wrong with living within your means, not everybody can have alligators on their short-sleeve collared shirts, it’s just not for everybody, somebody has to have tigers and some people have to wear shirts not adorned with any animal, it’s just the way of the world.
That is why I propose that the billions of dollars that Bush is borrowing (most likely an attempt to be remembered for something other than the worst approval rating in history and being constantly lampooned by the entertainment industry) should not be used to give Americans the means to buy electronics that will soon be obsolete, clothing that will be laughed at in two years and vacations that will result in myspace/facebook pictures that may eventually cost the individuals in question their jobs. Instead, the money should be used to start a mandatory nationwide education program in all high schools that will address finance and economics and prepare the next generations of Americans to make smart decisions and lead us out of the quagmire of credit card debt, home foreclosure and impulse buying that has lead huge numbers of young people to financial ruin before they have even started a family or had a chance to establish themselves professionally. Even though I have professed the need for this “class” I am still unsure about exactly what the curriculum should include , mainly because most of the “problems” we are having fall into the category of common sense, issues like:

1. If you work for somebody else, you may lose your job…plan accordingly.

2. If you own your own business, you may go out of business…plan accordingly

3. If you don’t make enough money to support yourself, do NOT have kids. This should not be hard with the wealth of contraceptive options currently available, however I am perpetually confused as to how poor people seem to get laid so much.

4. If you work at a job that requires you to wear your name on your shirt the following items are out of the question: New Cars, Boats, Jet Skis, Concert Tickets, Vacations and eating in restaurants. These items are off limits until all income is used to improve your situation in life (community college, trade school, becoming physically attractive enough to attain promotions) You can enjoy the fruits of your labor as soon as your “labor” does not entail wearing your name on your shirt.

5. If you are overweight no amount of designer clothing will make you attractive to the opposite sex. If you are broke, start running around your block and stop eating. If you are wealthy, get plastic surgery. Either way, do it before you buy a $3000 jacket. There is a reason they don’t make Gucci in XXXL.

6. If you do not own the home you live in your car should not contain any of the following: TV’s in the head rest, rims that did not come with the car, an audio system that can be heard from 3 miles away, leather/heated seats, any video game console or a camera to show you what is happening behind you. If you can not back out of a parking space without the use of an elaborate surveillance system your license should be revoked.

7. If you are not a rapper, do not try to live like one. The fast life of Bentleys, mansions, Big Pimpin’ on yachts, jump-offs and Champagne in gold cellophane is not for regular, workin’ dudes…and since the advent of digital downloads it’s not for most rappers.

8. Don’t go to strip clubs, it is literally throwing money away. They do not like you; they are at best indifferent and in some cases actually hate you. They are paid professionals that take your money in exchange for pretending to not be repulsed by you for the length of one techno song. If you think it’s more than this or you think this is a good use of your money, you need serious psychiatric counseling (which you probably can’t afford after blowing all your dough at the Go-Go Rama).

9. Don’t use credit cards in bars. Buying everybody you know rounds of shots on your “tab” seems like a great idea, but rarely do people open up their bills a month later and say to themselves “Wow, I’m really glad I had those 3 more Long Island Iced Teas!”

10. Gambling is dumb. There are teams of mathematicians (that are still smarter than you after they drink a quart of Hennessy) working day and night to ensure that you can not beat the house. If that is not proof enough, look at your house and then look at Donald Trump’s house and ask yourself if it’s realistic for you to beat that guy at anything, ever.

Follow these if you want, I gotta run and spend the better part of the day in line at FootLocker for a pair of $300 Jordans that I may or may not actually wear.

5 albums I would take to a deserted island...so I could laugh hysterically before I die of dehydration

The question of which 5 albums you would take to a desert island comes up quite often in conversations about music. This question does not come up nearly enough in conversations about comedy and even less in the comedy sub-genre of albums dedicated to prank calls. The 5 albums produced by the Jerky Boys (excluding solo projects and greatest hits compilations) are inarguably the best albums in this genre and possibly any genre of recorded entertainment. From the “ring” that proceeds the opening of the first album to the conclusion of the “1,000 Chicken Trilogy” six years later, everything they did was pure genius and has inspired an entire generation of wise asses to call people names like: Nits, Rubber Neck and Sizzle Chest. What follows is a review of each album and how each innovated and brought prank calling to the next level.

I became aware of The Jerky Boys the day before the last day of my freshman year in high school. I had been hearing rumors of older kids having copies of blank cassette tapes of hilarious prank calls for the previous few years, but finally in the summer of 1993 my man Iceburg (not his real name, obviously) had the real thing. A legit, factory manufactured cassette, straight from Camelot Music in the Ocean County Mall, containing an hour of profane and hilarious prank calls. We started listening to the tape at his house and by the time Side A was over I was laughing so hard I had to take a break and walk down the street to my house to listen to the second half for fear of a heart attack or aneurism (I realize these are not common in otherwise healthy 15 year olds, but better safe than sorry). Side B was just as good, if not better, than Side A and I became a Jerky Boy fanatic, I memorized almost every call and can still recite most of them verbatim almost 10 years after the release of their last album (the criminally slept-on “Stop Staring At Me!”).

The Jerky Boys (1993): This album was their introduction to the world and was as brash and shocking as NWA’s “Straight Outta Compton” The Sex Pistols’ “Never Mind the Bollocks...” or Nirvana’s “Never Mind.” This is the album that introduced the world to characters like Sol Rosenberg, Kissel, Tarbash the Egyptian Magician, Jack Tor_S, Mike DeRucci and the undeniable classic Frank Rizzo. While I celebrate the entire catalog, Frank Rizzo holds a special place in my heart because he’s the stereotypical NY/NJ tough guy that I grew up laughing at multiplied by 100.

This album threw down the gauntlet for prank calling at all levels of the game and let fans and haters alike know that calling a super market and saying “Do you have Olive Oil in a can? Well, you better let her out, Popeye’s getting mad!” and then laughing maniacally and hanging up was no longer going to cut the mustard. These guys were professionals and they conducted themselves as such. They would go to extreme lengths to anger or upset whoever was on the other end of the phone. They would ask a few probing questions to see what upset the man or woman and then peel back that onion until the victim was either enraged or threatening to call the police and they would stop at nothing to reach this ultimate goal. They would accuse the person of committing crimes, insinuate they were homosexual or even play a tuba to get the desired response. This showed incredible levels of persistence, quick thinking and self control (to keep from breaking up when people said insanely funny stuff). This album was also light years ahead of it’s time with the character of Tarbash the Egyptian Magician because it mocked middle-eastern culture almost 10 years before Hollywood jumped on that band wagon.

Needless to say, this album is an absolute classic and should be listened to and memorized by all members of western society. I have been laughing at skits like “Tile Man” and “Uncle Freddy’s Dead” consistently for the last 15 years and they are showing no signs of getting old.

The Jerky Boys 2 (1994): The release of this album was met with great anticipation from Jerky Boy fans because its’ release in chain stores meant that they were no “One Hit Wonders” and they had a chance at a long and prosperous career. Also, this was before the internet, so they were not releasing calls on an official website or having tracks leaked to file sharing sites, so people were hungry for more prank calls from the best in the business.

However, once the initial hype of a new Jerky Boys album wore off most fans were at least slightly disappointed with this effort. Most of the innovation of the first album was replaced by intensity (many calls started with them yelling) and absurd amounts of profanity. For proof of this listen to the racial slurs of “Mexican Roofing,” the blood curdling yells on “Husband Beating” or the nearly 90 sec. cacophony of curse words on “Fava Beans.” While no new characters were introduced and most agree this is their weakest album, it provided several great calls and would hold fans over for the next two years until the release of their next masterpiece.

The Jerky Boys 3 (1996): Following the mediocrity of The Jerky Boys 2 in 1994 and the flop of their self-titled movie in 1995 the Boys were back with a vengeance on 1996’s The Jerky Boys 3. This album introduced several new characters, including Racine (a hispanic Jack Tor_S), Curly G (a rapper that makes Young Jeezy seem as intelligent as Stephen Hawking) and Big Ol’ Bad Ass Bob the Cattle Rustler (self explanatory). More interesting than these new personas was that the group employed the technique of placing ads in the classified sections of New York newspapers and having people call them looking for Civil War memorabilia or answering personal ads. These calls provided unprecedented levels of hilarity because they were fielding calls from the type of person that answers these kind of ads and in several instances it is hard to decide who is funnier: the character or the unsuspecting “victim.” These experimental techniques paid off in a major way as the Jerky Boys produced another classic.

The Jerky Boys 4 (1997): The Jerky Boys 4 can best be compared with Jay-Z’s “The Blueprint” or U2’s “Achtung Baby” in the way it showcases an artist at the top of their game making an album that was even better than their already impressive body of work. The album highlights the classic characters from the first album, the exaggerated emotions and profanity from the second and the incoming calls from the third to produce the most consistently funny and cohesive release in the Jerky Boys’ incredible career. It should also be noted that The Jerky Boys 4 also contains the first, and to my knowledge only, foray into music for the group. The album concludes with a song titled “Jerk Baby Jerk” that seamlessly combines Miami Bass music with highlights from prank calls and funny sound effects, a fitting end to the finest moment in Jerky Boy history.

Stop Staring At Me! (1999): Following the overwhelming critical success of The Jerky Boys 4 the group released “Stop Staring At Me!” which was innovative for many reasons beyond its’ lack of a numerical title. This collection contained calls tied into The Howard Stern Show (“You Wanna Scrap?”), calls to entertainment industry legends (“Huck-A-Buck”) and the infamous call to a football player with “hamstrings like animals” (“Big Hock”) where the “victim” was unquestionably funnier than the comedian. It also features the “1,000 Chicken Trilogy”, an epic 10 min call broken into three installments that truly elevates the art form of the prank call. “Stop Staring At Me!” is the forgotten classic in the catalog and often gets left out of conversations about their best albums, this is unfair and this release deserves a second listen from fans that dismissed it upon its’ initial release.

The Jerky Boys did not fare as well in the new millennium as they did in the 90’s. They essentially became victims of their own fame, much of the “act” depended on calling unsuspecting people, however, once they gained widespread notoriety through appearances on Howard Stern, MTV and various talk shows, it became increasingly difficult to make calls to people that didn’t know who they were. Eventually, their affiliation with Howard Stern dissolved, MTV pulled the plug on their commercials and they broke up due to dwindling record sales and monetary disputes. Both Johnny B and Kamal released solo albums in the early 2000’s, but none of these approached the quality of the original 5 albums they released together. It is rumored they are working together and a new collaborative album that is due out before the end of 2008, the validity of this claim has yet to be determined.