Monday, May 4, 2009

Movie Review: "Obsessed"

“Obsessed” starring Beyonce, Ali Larter and Idris Elba sets out to be the most suspenseful and sexy thriller of our time, unfortunately it’s mostly silly.  While the movie is entertaining (I did not fall asleep in the theatre, a rarity for movies not containing costumed vigilantes or Seth Rogan), it is not the defining thriller of the 2000’s.  

The movie has a few major shortcomings which can be summarized as follows:

1. There is absolutely no background on Ali Larter’s character and no explanation as to why she is so “obsessed” with the dude from “The Wire.” At one point she overdoses on pills and they mention a sister in San Francisco, except for this passing reference to a family member there is no motivation established or explanation as to why she is nuttier than a Chinese chicken salad.

2. Beyonce plays a former administrative assistant that is now a stay-at-home mother and finishing a degree in stereotypical “Happy Homemaker” fashion.  About 3/4 of the way through the movie this completely changes and she starts threatening to kick some a** like Jean Claude Van Dam in “Bloodsport”.  It is truly a remarkable transformation, she goes from June Cleaver to Foxxy Brown (the Pam Grier character from the 70’s, not the rapper) in the span of one phone call.  

3. “Obsessed” climaxes with an unbelievably drawn out fight scene in which Larter (in nothing but Elba’s T-Shirt and panties) and Beyonce (fully clothed, complete with boots made for stomping a hole in somebody’s a**) proceed to beat the living sh*t out of each other for an unbelievable amount of time.  It is the kind of scene where you just know there was a board meeting and some dude was like “let’s make the hottest fight scene ever, so 13 year-olds pleasure themselves to this for years to come, the DVD/Blu Ray residuals will be huge!”  Not only does this scene add nothing to the movie, it is incredibly silly and actually caused some viewers to laugh out loud in the theatre.  This scene is unintentionally funnier than anything in “Austin Powers in Gold Member.”  

4. The previously mentioned fight scene involves Beyonce beating up Ali Larter in just about every room in a three story mansion, dragging her down multiple flights of steps and eventually pushing her through the attic floor and somehow she accomplishes all of this without losing her vest!  I have extensive experience wearing vests (North Face, Tuxedo, the kind that tie in the back, etc.) and limited experience with fighting (have seen many, participated in very few since puberty) and I am willing to say it’s impossible to deliver that kind of a** whooping and not have your vest fall off or at least get rumpled. I realize enjoying most movies requires a suspension of disbelief, but there are limits.  

With all of that being said, “Obsessed” is not terrible.  It is an entertaining warm-up for the summer blockbusters that will be even sillier but we will all rush to see.  

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