I recently enrolled in a four hour seminar that met several days in a row from 6 to 10 p.m. The content of this class is completely unimportant to this post, what matters is that these are the exact thoughts I had over the course of the four hour lecture.
5:40: Sensible dinner consisting of rice, canned fish and one bottle of Snapple Iced Tea. I am fairly accustomed to being forced to do unpleasant activities for long periods of time and through an extensive process of trial and error I have found this to be the best “Pre-Game Meal.” This provides protein, carbs and a little caffeine in just the right ratio to keep me awake for a few hours of something I hate. The only other choice would be a caramel-chai frappachino from Starbucks, but since I am not homosexual and have a lack of desire to buy $6 cups of coffee on a regular basis, this is not a viable option.
5:58: “I can’t believe I’m really about to do this...again.”
6:00: “...and we’re off!”
6:02: Why can’t this guy just punch me in the face now, get it over with, and let me go home? I would much rather be icing a bloody nose at my house than sitting here for another four hours.
6:08: Who would I like to hook up with in this room?
6:10: This has got to be the least physically attractive group of people I have ever seen. There’s not a single girl in this room I would take to a rock fight. Actually, now that I think about it, what do these 5 items have in common?: a pencil sharpener, a toaster turned to high/dark, an electrical outlet, a paper shredder and a girl walking out of an AIDS clinic? I would make love to any of those items before one of these skanks...hahaha, sometimes I crack myself up!
6:30: I would rather be doing literally ANYTHING else.
6:45 to 7:30: Drift in and out of consciousness constantly messing up my notes by starting lines in clear, legible penmanship and ending them in unreadable squiggly lines. None of these short “naps” are long enough to get any rest, but they are just long enough to cause my contacts to dry out and ensure the next several hours will be misery because my vision will be reduced to that of Kareem Abdul-Jabar without his rec-specs and my eyelids will be intermittently stuck together.
7:30: Only a half hour to the break, I can do this!
8:00: Break Time! I walk out the front of the building, stand by myself and quickly consume a Wild Berry Power Bar. I immediately regret my decision to eat my snack so quickly because now I have to find a way to kill the next 14 minutes. There are a group of smokers huddled together feverishly inhaling Marlboro's and Camel Lights. They all seem to know each other from so many nights spent smoking outside bars, restaurants and other establishments where smoking is frowned upon and there is no way I can break into the conversation. I wouldn’t even know how to start, “So, what to you guys think about Newport Menthols?” Damn, sometimes I wished I smoked. Ok, I’ll get through this, I’ll take out my phone, and pretend to text message. I might even smile while I “read” the fake messages to really sell the fact that I am cool enough to get funny text messages. If I am really lucky the smokers will think they are from women, I’m so good at pretending to be cool.
8:15: Back to one of my favorite activities: Sitting Quietly.
8:25: If I won some kind contest and the prize was any 10 NFL jerseys, who would I pick?
Ladainian Tomlinson HOME
Ladainain Tomlinson AWAY...that Chargers Jersey is HOT.
Matt Leinart HOME
Jerricho Cotchery HOME
Anybody on the Cleveland Browns
Jamarcus Russell HOME
Vernon Gholston AWAY
Joe Flacco...whichever one is purple
Torry Holt AWAY
Barry Sanders HOME...it’s my fake contest and I’m including Throwbacks in the fake prize pack.
8:45: I want to physically harm this speaker, the bastard just will not shut up. I want to raise my hand and bait him into saying “You can count on...” so I can cut him off and say “And you can count on me waiting for you outside...” Then when everyone is shocked at that exchange I get up, grab the scissors off his desk and cut his tie so it looks like one of those short clown ties. After I emasculate him by defacing his neckwear I beat the living sh*t out of him while the rest of the class cheers me on like the Cobra Kai when Johnny was whooping on Daniel LaRusso. Needless to say, I do not act on this impulse, I simply sit there and begin a new page of notes.
9:03: What was the best mid-90’s Wu-Tang solo album (between 36 Chambers and Wu-Tang Forever)? This is tough and pretty much takes all my mental capacity to drown out the power point presentation and come to the conclusion that GZA’s “Liquid Swords” may be my personal favorite, but Rae’s “Only Built For Cuban Linx” had a much bigger impact on the game. After some more deliberation I am still unable to come up with a satisfactory decision and resign to agree to disagree...with myself.
9:30: Only 30 minutes left, which means I’m 50 minutes from being in my house. When I get there I’m going to have a fruit cup, probably diced peaches in light syrup, but I may go for the mandarin oranges...another tough decision. OK, peaches, done.
9:55: How many Snyder’s Sour Dough Pretzel Nuggets can possibly be in that bag? That bastard in the sweater-vest has been eating them for like 2 hours! Why is it so damn loud, is he eating pretzels or ‘effin rocks?
9:56: Almost there, if anybody as much as raises their hand to ask a question with 4 minutes left they are getting their snot-box rocked!
10:00: FREE!!!! Until tomorrow at 6, better make the most out of these next 20 hours.