Saturday, September 6, 2008

Picking Your Wedding Party

“Top 5 dead or alive, and that’s just off one LP”


Getting married is a huge decision, in some ways picking your bridal party is an even bigger decision. Choosing your husband or wife is only affecting your relationship with one person that can end the second one or both of you decide to file the necessary paperwork for a divorce, choosing your bridal party will drastically alter your relationship with just about everybody in your family and social circle and can never be undone by a lawyer that advertises on billboards on the turnpike.  The importance of this task can not be understated and the following guidelines should be followed to ensure a fun reception and nobody carrying a grudge that will last until your silver anniversary.  

THE CAP:  All wedding parties should be capped at 5 bridesmaids and 5 groomsmen.  There are no exceptions to this! It might seem like a good idea to put everyone you know in the party and have more people on the alter than in the pews, but it will not work out.  This is analogous to rappers bringing their whole crew onstage to the point where there are more people on the stage than in the seats, unless your family is the Wu-Tang Clan this approach will not work for you.  It is wise to take a cue from 50 Cent’s stage show here (no, not wearing bullet proof vests), but limiting who is allowed on stage to the hottest and most important people you know.  

There are two other stipulations to THE CAP: First, the groom is allowed to pick 5 MEN and the bride picks 5 WOMEN. If he has a female cousin he is really close with or she has 3 brothers...too bad!   Second, if either person has to break the cap for any reason they have to endure a penalty like the luxury tax in baseball.  This penalty is negotiable between the couple but possibilities include: the offending person is not allowed to eat or drink during the reception, the entire offending party can not dance or socialize with anyone during the entire event or they have to ride bikes from the church to the reception instead or riding in the limousine.  These penalties may seem harsh, but there has to be a reason to follow the rules and if you can’t get married with less than 5 people backing you up, you are probably marrying the wrong person.  

The 5 people in your party should be in the following format:

The Family Representative: You have to pick somebody in your family to keep everybody happy and ensure a substantial gift from them and their immediate family. Also, limiting it to one Family Representative will prevent animosity from other people that didn’t make the cut, because like Jay-Z said “There can only be one.” This person should have the same last name as you, but you can go to your mother’s side if it’s necessary without being penalized.  Good choices for this are cool cousins, older siblings or nieces and nephews you think have the potential to be cool in the near future. 

The High School Representative: This person should be someone that has been riding with you since like 15.  You should have a bunch of funny stories that involve almost getting in trouble, drinking in the woods and trouble with automobiles and still talk to this person on at least a monthly basis whether you still have anything in common or not. 

College/Post-Graduate/Trade School Representative: This will probably be your first friend away from home and somebody that you have maintained ties with for a few years.  It is not as important that you are close with this person as it is they are physically attractive because your “home friends” and family will not know them (except from a few stories you have told them and probably greatly embellished) and the main thing is for them to think you were cool when you were away at school.

Work/Neighborhood Representative: This is the political pick.  By selecting somebody  you work with (preferably a superior) you are ensuring a professional ally for life and by selecting someone you plan to live near you are ensuring a neighborhood friend for life.  Think about it, someone that was in your wedding will never tell the boss you spend all day looking for sneakers online or call the cops because your bbq gets too loud.  

Ethnic Minority Representative:  This selection lets everyone you know just how open-minded and forward thinking you are. You should go out of your way to pick someone that looks and possibly dresses nothing like the rest of the people you actually hang around with, a hispanic or Asian guy is a good pick, but somebody in a turban or buddhist robe is a phenomenal pick.  This will also allow you to pull out your wedding photos and tell everybody “I’m not racist, some of my best friends are ________” anytime you make an inappropriate comment for the rest of your life.  

That’s the Deal! Follow the rules and have a good wedding, violate THE CAP  and your ceremony will probably be marred in violence and your reception will resemble Woodstock ’99. 

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