Wednesday, September 3, 2008


“Hi, Hater”


The act of “hating” on people, places and things has been around since the beginning of time.  Although not documented, I am willing to bet when enterprising cave men were rubbing sticks together there were a few guys hanging out in the cave saying “What do they think is going to happen? Fire? You gotta be ‘effin kidding me!”  

Modern hating came into the spotlight largely through the efforts of Sean “Puff Daddy” Combs.  During his late-90’s heyday he made it clear that anyone that was less then complementary to his version of hip-hop was a “player hater” that was Jealous of his success and extravagant lifestyle.  It should be noted that to “hate” him for guiding The Notorious BIG to superstardom, starting one of the most financially successful entertainment brands of all time or branching out into other venues like clothing would be asinine and, you would in fact be a “player hater.”  However, “hating” on him because he has become a second-rate reality TV personality, sells T-Shirts with banal sayings like “Vote or Die” and “No Bitch-Ass-Ness”, has turned the label that put out classics like “Ready to Die” and “Life After Death” into a clearinghouse for soul-less, overly-produced pop acts, constantly makes uninformed political statements that Fox News uses as examples of how ignorant rappers are and actively promotes mid-grade vodka to a community that struggles with disproportionate levels of alcoholism and alcohol-related crimes, you would be perfectly justified.

“Hating” enjoyed a bit of a renaissance at the turn of the 21st century with Dave Chapelle featuring the time traveling “Player Hater’s Convention” on his wildly popular and hilarious sketch comedy show.  Also, New York disc jockey Star, had an entire morning drive radio show dedicated to “Objective Hate” and mocking the utter foolishness that is the entertainment industry. Unfortunately, for him and his fans, the show was moved from Hot 97 to rival NYC station Power 105 after a particularly heated hate session regarding deceased R&B singer Aaliah and the “Hater that don’t miss nothin’” was eventually kicked off the air when he extended his brand of hate beyond rival DJ’s and verbally attacked their wives and children.  Star serves as an example that “hating” can go too far and when not done at the right place or time and to the correct level can cause the “hater” a lot of pain and suffering.  As it is the “hater’s” duty to comment and enjoy the pain and suffering of others, he/she should avoid it themselves at all costs.  

A lot of people think they are “Haters,” but they are simply in a bad mood or going through a rough period.  What follows are the activities of “Real Haters.” If you do any of these activities you are most likely a hater, if you engage in all of them you are one miserable son of a bitch.

You spend your afternoons standing outside an orthodontist's office and yell at the patients “Look at your mashed up teeth!  It looks like the Battle of Gettysburg was fought in your mouth and Custer’s Last Stand was on your incisor! Be careful riding your bike, you don’t want to fall and mash up your teeth even more!”

You know someone that speaks with a lisp and whenever you are in a group you put them in situations where they are forced to say words that start with “S” and “Sh” sounds, causing everyone else to point and laugh at them.  

Every time somebody you know buys a new car your only response is “I hope you got collision, because it’s only a matter of time.”

You have season tickets to a sports team just to go to the games and root against them and chant “Pussy, Pussy, Pussy” every time a player is being evaluated for a serious injury.

You arrive at Best Buy at 10:00 am every Tuesday so you can buy all the latest music releases just so you can be the first to tell your friends: “____________is wack” or “__________ hasn’t made good music in close to a decade.”

 When you go to a crowded bar you purposely mumble your drink order and then threaten the bartender’s life when he brings you the wrong cocktail. 

 You sit in meetings for work and are so overcome with hate and rage that your co-workers mistake you for Annakin Skywalker turning into Darth Vader or Bruce Banner becoming the Incredible Hulk.

You spend an inordinate amount of time perfecting your myspace profile so you can meet people and as soon as the date ends you tell everyone in their Top 8 that they gave you a debilitating STD.

 The first time you heard Maino’s “Hi Hater” you immediately responded with “Hi, How are you doing?”

You go to your best friend’s wedding reception and pay the DJ to stop the dancing and party music to conduct a memorial to celebrities that recently passed away during the venetian hour.  Nothing will ruin a good tiramisu like being forced to look at a slide show of Big Pun and The Dunkin Donut’s guy while Boyz II Men’s “It’s so Hard to say Goodbye to Yesterday” plays in the background. 

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