Tuesday, July 14, 2009

More Wedding Tips

Because of the overwhelmingly positive response I received for my first list of wedding tips, I have decided to pen a sequel.  So, without further ado, more ways to have a great wedding: 

Spending an Absurd Amount of Money 

The decision to spend $50,000 on a wedding is basically saying “I would rather have one really fun afternoon than drive a Benz for the next decade.”  With the pressure to have a respectable ceremony & reception and with the insane costs associated with wedding-related items it seems like a few folding chairs in a firehouse and catering by Subway will cost ten-grand, this can be a daunting task.  But spending your life savings, your parents’ life savings or going in to debt so your drunken friends and family can stumble out of a banquet hall and slur “Now, that was a good wedding” and then quickly forget about it before they either drive home wasted or pass out in a hotel room while forcing themselves on their spouse, seems a little “off.”

Wedding Attire

Bride: Unless you are Jennifer Lopez at the Grammy’s and it is going to make you an international celebrity, spending a few thousand dollars on a dress that can be worn exactly once is arguably the worst financial decision a young couple could make.  Further, the idea of dressing an adult/educated/working woman up like some kind of princess in this day and age is stupid and outdated.  And the whole idea of wearing white to represent virginity has become a parody of itself.  I’m going to conservatively estimate that 1 in every 1,000 brides in 2009 are virgins (mainly religious zealots, the morbidly obese and women with mail-order-husbands). Now, while the idea of saving oneself for marriage may be antiquated, when a third of the people at the ceremony saw the bride have a train run on her during Spring Break ’03, she should not be wearing white.  And if she is wearing a white dress, it should not resemble Glenda The Good Witch and it should not cost $7,000.

Groom:  The groom has it relatively easy, he rents a tux for under $200, picks out the cumber bun, makes sure his best man can return it when he leaves for the honeymoon, and he’s good to go.  Personally, if I get married, I will use this as an opportunity to prove my theory that with the right accessories the actual outfit can become a second thought.  I will get married in a pair of deadstock, OG White/Patten/Concord Jordan XI’s with a purple cumber bun to match the concord accents on the sneaker.  To further accentuate how fly these shoes make the whole outfit I am going to rent the cheapest, most outdated tuxedo available at Men’s Warehouse and I might even get an ill-fitting model to further emphasize that with those kicks, the cloths are an afterthought.  NOTE: The ONLY “wedding planning” I will actively participate in is procuring these sneakers and keeping them in pristine condition until the big day.  At the end of the night I’m going to have my bride sign one shoe (the part above the patten leather) and the bridal party sign the other as a memento of the day.  Hopefully, I will not get so loaded during the reception that I punch my best man in the face for defiling a $1,000 pair of sneakers.


It has become increasingly popular at the weddings I attend to dedicate a moment of silence or special prayer to the family/friends that are deceased and can not attend the festivities.  I am unsure if this is becoming more prevalent because people are getting married later in life and grandparents are not living long enough to see 35 year-old grandchildren tie the knot or because I am from Toms River NJ, where drunk driving and drug overdoses are an everyday occurrence. Either way, I’m into the shout out to those that didn’t make it, I’m also not opposed to “pouring out a little liquor” but the banquet hall will probably charge for damaging the carpet and you don’t want a slippery dance floor later in the night (like I said, I’m from TR and people are going to be so wasted by the time we cut the cake that falls are going to happen anyway, lets not make the area more dangerous than necessary).  

The specifications for this dedication are fairly strict and the typical method of having the priest read a list of names will not due.  First, don’t do it at the church, people are expecting that and the key to a good wedding is the element of surprise, do it during the reception and have your DJ (preferably somebody with extensive experience on Hot 97) play a song “for the homies that ain’t here.”  Second, even if you are the most candy-assed suburbanite in the world and everybody you know dies of old age when they are 90, you have to play the thuggest “Dead Homies” record you can find.  Master P’s “I Miss My Homies,” DRS’s “Gangsta Lean,” 2Pac’s “How Long Will They Mourn Me,” Thug Life’s “Pour Out A Little Liquor” and Ice Cube’s “Dead Homies” are all appropriate, and judging by the rate these songs are released (see “5 Mic Formula” posting) you should have no problem finding one suitable for your personal situation.    

The Honeymoon

This should be the fun part, the planning is over, the ceremony is behind you and now you are ready for a week or two of rest and relaxation before you start your new life as a married couple and it gives you time to enjoy each other’s company and engage in sexual intercourse for the first time (yeah right).  This can be a pretty good time, but follow these rules:

1. Do NOT go to Disneyland.  Disneyland is nothing but a massive orgy of corporate America, lowest common denominator entertainment, long lines, expensive food and screaming children.  In all likelihood you will be forced to bring your children here so they can be conditioned as gluttonous consumers of corporate culture before they are ten years old, so save this trip for later down the line when you have given up all hope. 

2. Do NOT twitter the honeymoon.  After the wedding your friends and family have had enough of you and are ready for a break! Also, nobody cares how good the breakfast buffet was, how much sunscreen cost in the gift shop or how many times you “got your freak on.” 

3. Do NOT go somewhere where it’s going to be hard to stay married.  Vegas, Amsterdam, Hedonism, Seaside Heights....they’re all out!  Don’t celebrate starting a family with a festival of drinking, drugs and promiscuous sex.  If you didn’t get it out of your system yet, you are pretty much effed.

Social Networking Sites

Getting married and planning a wedding is an exciting process, but leave Facebook, Myspace and Twitter out of it.  Marriage should be a benchmark that the couple is moving into adulthood, so nobody’s status should say ___________ is: enraged to be engaged!!!!

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