Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Phrases I Hate 3

Phrases I Hate: The Going Out Edition

“I like having a good time, but__________.” 

Regardless of if this statement is followed by “but, that’s too much” or “but, that guy’s a lunatic” or “but, there’s a line and he crossed it” it is still a completely useless saying because everybody likes to have a “good time.”  Some people consider a “good time” getting belligerent and pumping their fists in a guido club at four in the morning, some people consider a “good time” sitting quietly at home reading an interesting book, some people, like me, enjoy both and would classify either as a “good time.”  The bottom line is that EVERYBODY “Likes having a good time” regardless of what they consider a “good time.”  Nobody says, “I don’t like good times, I don’t want to let them roll, I wish the good times would stop and I could just get back to suffering, weeping to myself and dwelling on my failures.


(Capitol letters denote that this phrase is invariably yelled at the top of the drunk person’s lungs)

Why do people that spend time, effort and money in the pursuit of getting drunk get insanely angry when you point out that they are, in fact, drunk?  There are people that start talking about how ‘effed up they are going to get the morning proceeding the night they are going out, they send emails to their friends about “getting wasted” and “getting my drank on!,” they scour the internet for bars with drink specials and happy hours that will allow them to get the most intoxicated for the least amount of money and when people ask them what they are doing at night they respond “Getting bent!”   And then, a few hours later, when somebody suggests they shouldn’t drive, call an ex-girlfriend or bite the bouncer, they become indignant that anybody would have the gall to suggest they have consumed alcohol.  I am not anti-drinking, I like having a good time (damn, I hate when I do stuff that I hate), but don’t be mad at your boy because he pointed out that you are intoxicated! As long as you are in a bar/nightclub/party situation and you are not driving home or operating heavy machinery there is no reason to become angry with one of your boys for suggesting you should just chill for a minute and not remove your pants on the dance floor.  

NOTE: This applies to everybody but me and my friends, if you see us engaging in this type of behavior, just stand to the side and hold onto our shirts until closing time.  

“Do you want to get your a** kicked?”

NO! And neither does anybody else. This question is usually asked right before two grown men, that have both had a few cocktails, engage in fisticuffs to answer the following questions: Was Randall Cunningham better than Donavan McNab? Can you put the soccer match on this TV? and Can I borrow this extra chair? I understand that sometimes throwing hands is inevitable, I like to think I am socially evolved to the point where fighting is not part of my repertoire, however, if a perfect stranger bumps into me in an effort to get to the restroom or some dumb a** scuffs my Mars Blackmon Jordan IV’s (keep it real, if you wear sneakers that hot to a club you deserve to get your snot box rocked), then it’s on!  

But, this is a stupid question because nobody wants to get their a** kicked, unless they are some kind of masochist that goes to bars specifically to get beat down because they find that sort of thing fun and exciting, in that case you are risking your safety and clean record to make some fool you don’t know happy and you are the big loser.  

Phrases I Hate: Commercials

Cham-Wow! “The typical person spends $20 a month on paper towels”

Who the hell spends $20 a month on paper towels?  Mentally challenged people with deformed hands? People that use paper towels to dry themselves after a shower?    Considering a roll of paper towels costs about a dollar, that’s almost a roll a day (if you take the weekends off from making messes), who the ‘eff spills that much stuff?  If you are that much of a sloppy bastard (clearly, no one with both parents would spill things at this alarming rate) you don’t need a high-tech towel made of space-age polymers, you need improved motor control and hand-eye coordination and should look into the next class at Gymboree.  

ESPN Mobile: The “I watched sports on my phone instead of enjoying my honeymoon” Guy

First, if you are more interested in the Knicks vs. Raptors game the first week you are married to your wife, the marriage is doomed and you should start consulting with divorce lawyers that have their pictures posted on billboards on the NJ Turnpike as soon as possible in an effort to keep as much of your assets as possible. 

Second, if you would rather read the Calgary Flames injury report then tend to the needs (and I think you know what I mean) of your new wife, you are gay...end of story.

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