Wednesday, November 19, 2008

A Humorous (at least to me) view of the Economic Crisis

I am one final exam away from completing my MBA and I am more than willing to admit that I do not know exactly how our economy works.  I have some idea, but there are still certain aspects of it that confound me (I am going to continue to research these areas because I am not satisfied being an ignorant, American Idol-watching, deep fried Snickers bar-eating idiot, but that’s not for this post). However, listening to any media outlet or reading Rolling Stone will let you know that the economy is in a tailspin and we are all 30 days away from being destitute poor people.  My personal favorite way of reporting the Dow Jones Average is when a reporter acts dismayed that the market has hit “a five year low”, you know how often this happens? Every 5 years! (think about it) It’s not that historic when you think about how long the market has existed.   Anyway, if the economy is really in as bad shape as Oliver Miller on the first day of training camp, I have the following questions (feel free to post answers):

How did the iPhone just become the most popular phone in America?

The iPhone retails for a minimum of $200 (the better one is $300) and it just passed Motorola’s Razr, which retails for under $20 and is free with many plans, as the most used cell phone in America.  How is this possible?  Are people not buying food and medication so they can have the new Ludacris album automatically downloaded to their mobile device?  I would really like this explained to me.  Also, I spend a lot of time wondering why people that I am 100% sure are doing NOTHING with their lives need iPhones and Blackberrys? Why do these people need to be notified (with some kind of custom ringtone) every time one of their buddies forwards them a “funny” email, isn’t it interrupting their time watching people get voted off islands and debating the BCS system?

5 of my friends bought houses and one got engaged this year, how is this possible?

Lyle Mead, Sarah Davids, Mike Face, Charlie Stevens, Mary-Anne (cousin) and I all bought houses in the last year and my friend Milo Nicks got engaged with a rock that would make Beyonce happy.  I find it hard to believe somehow all of us are beating the market because we are so smart and cunning, especially because none of us can adequately explain how we are able to make these moves during this downturn.  

Also, Milo is planning a fall 2010 wedding, with a “Lunar Landing” theme.  They are painting the walls of the reception hall black, having gray “moon dust” floors, the DJ has been instructed to play a lot of Pink Floyd, David Bowie, Kool Keith and Lil’ Wayne (“we are not the same I am a martian”), and Milo is wearing an astronaut suit instead of a tuxedo.  Also, as soon as somebody gets drunk and falls on the dance floor, the DJ is going to cut off the music and announce “Houston, we have a problem.” 

Why do I still see people decked out in all kind of designer gear?

I continually see unattractive people in high-end designer clothing, which is being wasted because they are still unattractive and Jimmy Choo shoes, a Louie scarf or Fendi bag can NOT change this.  

When it come to dressing, either you have it or you don’t and no amount of money can make a difference. I challenge anyone reading this to spend $5,000 on an outfit from the Short Hills Mall and I will out-dress them with a $175 gift card to the Burlington Coat Factory.  

Doesn’t it seem like rappers are still rich?

Apparently they are immune to the economic downturn, bootleg mixtapes, internet leaks, decreasing album sales across the industry, being forced to play smaller venues and the insane amounts they spend on collaborations (I’m pretty sure Jamie Foxx doesn’t sing on a Plies record for less than a hundred grand).  Good for them.  

How are these stores closing?

I got an email today warning that the following stores are closing in January and that you should not buy gift cards because they will be worthless.  

Lane Bryant: Every available piece of research states that the United States has an obesity epidemic, so the stock of a plus-size retailer should be through the roof.  There must be a real problem with their supply-chain management if they are having trouble selling clothes to overweight women when 2/3 of our population has been deemed “obese.”  The only way this makes sense is if the population is becoming so ‘effin fat that they no longer need sensible, casual clothing, but khaki’s with elastic waist bands and giant tent-dresses...if that’s the case buy stock in Wal-Mart.  

Pacific Sunwear (Pac Sun): Isn’t all that day-glow, surfer, 80’s stuff supposed to be hot with the hipsters that wear tight jeans and Vans?  Guess not.

Piercing Pagoda: I find it hard to believe that the market for cheap jewelry and watching little kids go into mass hysterics while their parents force them to get their ears pierced in the middle of the mall has totally collapsed.  

Sharper Image: Who would have thought a store dedicated to selling useless crap would ever go out of business?  Also, I doubt they made much money from people passing out in message chairs and then pretending to be interested in buying one if the salesperson came by.

Wilson Leather: This store suffered because they put all their eggs in one basket: Leather Jackets.  They should have diversified into leather pants, leather hats/helmets (red baron style) and other assorted items. 

KB Toys: I don’t know much about the action figure market, but Lyle Mead is an expert and every time I mention that I saw something cool in a KB Toys he gives me that half-smirk, patronizing smile I give to people when they tell me they got a “cool” pair of sneakers at a Foot Locker in the mall.  

The Gap:  I guess the market is already saturated with non-descript sweaters, over priced polo shirts and numerous types of khakis and chinos that all look the same. 

NOTE:  This is a JOKE, I realize the economy is actually in a bad condition, I’m not a slobbering imbecile. 

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