Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Verbal Self-Defense Training

I work in an urban area, where apparently a lot of kids get beat up, which has caused a large number of especially enterprising ‘hood-dwellers to open Self-Defense schools in the area. Now, I am not entirely sold on the idea that young urban males should take classes to be more deadly, but the overabundance of martial arts schools in my neighborhood has planted the seeds of a new business concept in my brain: Verbal Self Defense Training.

How many times have you seen an otherwise intelligent, articulate person freeze like a deer in headlights as soon as someone makes fun of them? It is unbelievable how a comment like “I’m losing my hair, but at least I’m not bald like _________” can ruin someone’s day (or several days) if they are unable to neutralize the threat and come back with a similarly witty comment. While I plan this business to be highly profitable for myself (after Year 1 I will finalize the business plan and begin selling franchises), I also feel I will be doing a great service to society. Think about how many people will be able to stop taking anti-depressants and the drastic drop in school/workplace violence once people are trained to verbally defend themselves instead of getting sonned by everybody they know and letting those feelings of inadequacy fester in their psyches for years.

This idea is obviously in its infancy, but here are a few of the principles on which I will base my techniques:

Making fun of yourself is completely off limits: Some people argue that if you mock yourself and laugh with others you will get made fun of less. I say this is bullsh*t, you have to go hard! The cornerstone of my philosophy will be mercilessly harassing people with no holds barred and nothing sacred. Your target bursting into tears is just the start of the journey.

Anything about your target is fair game: Weight, Religion, Personal Hygiene, Height, Fashion Choices, Sexual Orientation, Learning Disabilities, Personality Disorders, Financial Status, Credit History, Hair (or lack thereof), Schools Attended, Career, Their Spouse and Kids, Prescription Medications Taken on a Regular Basis, Music/Movie/TV Preferences or a family history of diabetes are just the tip of the iceberg of ways to publicly humiliate a person.

Physical Self Defense is Important Too: The school will also have a branch dedicated toward strength & agility training as well as martial arts and gun safety because some of the stuff that will come out of your mouth will potentially get you beaten to a bloody pulp.

Sample “Come Backs” to Antagonizers:

If you’re antagonizer is overweight:

Student: What are you being for Halloween?
Fat Antagonizer: Paris Hilton
Student: Really? You should put some underwear over your face and use your large, bulbous head as J-Lo’s ass.

Student: You should go skydiving and use your XXXL North Face as a parachute.

Student: Who are you voting for?
Fat Antagonizer: Obama.
Student: Oh yeah? Well, now I’m gonna vote for McCain just to cancel out your fat-ass vote.

4) Only possible if Fat Antagonizer is crying:

Student: I’ll tell you what, don’t be so sad, I have a king-size bed, how about you come over and use my sheets to wipe those humongous tears from your fat eyes!

Student: What’s your dress size, voting booth?

If your antagonizer is threatening violence and you need to threaten him back AND he happens to have a beard:

Student: I’ll beat that beard off you like that bouncer in Miami did to Trick Daddy! (Google Image this mug shot if you are not familiar)

Student: You’re gonna whip my A**? You’re gonna need a lot more back up than that poor man’s Chuck Norris on your face!

If you’re antagonizer is eating a taco salad:

There’s more meat in that taco salad than in your pants.

Granted, it is a rare occasion when someone will be simultaneously eating a taco salad and antagonizing you, but you are paying top dollar and will walk out of the class ready for anything.

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