Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Over and Under Rated 4


Donating Your Body to Science
The idea of giving your body to “science” after you die, when you presumably have no more use for your limbs, organs and other biological matter, sounds good in theory, however, in practice it does not make much sense. If you donate your body to “science” you should understand that “science” is a business and only diseases and disorders that have been discovered to be profitable to treat or cure are researched. This means that your remains will most likely be used to find a cure for erectile dysfunction or male pattern baldness (I’m going to acknowledge I “borrowed” this from the movie “Idocracy”, but it does seem as if we dedicate an inordinate amount of time and money to finding a remedy for these two disorders).

Also, because our healthcare system is predicated on the idea of finding “treatments” and not cures for diseases, so that people are kept alive and paying large pharmaceutical companies for drugs throughout their entire lifespan, either out of their own pocket or by being forced to keep jobs with “benefits” that results in working Americans having a questionable degree of freedom (Quitting job = unable to attain necessary medications = death). As a side note, the new administrations’ “Health Care Reform” will be powerless to remedy this situation; however that is clearly the topic of another post. Your body will probably be used to find an increasingly expensive “treatment” for something that has already been cured: Obesity (under 500 lbs.) = Stop Eating, Morbid Obesity (Over 500 lbs.) = Kill Yourself, STD’s = Some level of discretion when choosing sexual partners and/or condoms if discretion is impossible, Not to mention the myriad conditions that have been proven to be improved with some combination of diet and exercise.

If I felt my body was going to be used to cure unpreventable brain tumors or congenital birth defects, I would have no problem donating mine. However, the idea of a lifetime alcoholic that lived his life in a drunken stupor getting my liver, a shop teacher that refused to wear safety goggles getting my eyes or some fat bastard that couldn’t stop eating cake icing out of the tube getting my kidneys makes me think I’d rather take it with me.

Fantasy Football
I know two things about fantasy football...You’re first pick has to be a running back and you have to be a complete ‘effin clown to play fantasy football. I am not disparaging anybody’s past time (we need something to take our minds off stupid tasks like learning, thinking and developing our own opinions) but, rather the way this activity is viewed in our society. Guys that play fantasy football are cool, have jobs and get chicks, while guys that play Dungeons & Dragons are relegated to working at Radio Shack and living in their parents’ basement. And when you really think about it, they are the same activity. Is there really a significant difference between these two statements?

“I can’t believe how bad the Ravens defense played, but at least Tomlinson had a big day for me!”


“That broad sword attack was rough, luckily I had a chain mail and a level 4 club to fend off the onslaught!”

NOTE: This is a joke, don’t take it personal.

The 8-Hour Work Day
Most of my friends work standard 9-5 jobs (I work significantly more hours including weekends and holidays, and I spend a lot of time trying to figure out why), and they all openly admit to actually “working” far less than 8 hours per day. They spend the remainder of the “work day” updating social networking sites (if they are not blocked), sending emails to friends, taking care of personal business, gossiping with co-workers or online shopping. It is unclear to me why we still are required to work 8 hours a day (minimum) when the overwhelming majority of our tasks have been made faster and easier with the use of computers and related emerging technologies.

This 8-Hour day may exist because some fear what would happen if people were given too much free time to engage in interests outside of work and the pursuit of money. The average man or woman that is kept occupied by countless games of Solitaire, updating their Blackberry contacts and otherwise pretending to work is in no position to become fully actualized as a human being.
We should end this anachronism now, have everybody report to work at 9am (a reasonable hour), get your tasks done and get the ‘eff out of there, so you can get home and watch sports/reality television, download ringtones and eat food that is slowly killing you.


Hanging Out with Real Drinkers
I don’t mean people that have a few cocktails and call it a night, I mean people that get in fights with police officers, vomit on bouncers and otherwise mop up the floor of the bar with their face (either through unprovoked falls or being beaten up). They will not always be the best friends because they will often be unable to remember the bar you were supposed to meet them at (even though they are in that bar), lose your cell phone and usually place you in great physical danger just from associating with them (they tend to really piss people off). However, all of this should be overlooked because they will provide you with an abundance of laughs and timeless stories to tell to future generations.

Drinks with Silly Names
Any Tom, Dick and Harry can walk into a bar and order a Rum & Coke, Screwdriver or Bud Light, bottle. Drinks like the Harvey Wall Banger, Red Headed Slut, White Russian, Mud Slide and Thug Passion are seldom ordered, but provide a refreshing alternative to standard drinks.

The Arsenio Hall Show
This was better than Leno or Letterman. The host was the coolest man alive, he routinely had guests like NWA and Public Enemy, that didn’t appear anywhere else on network TV (Shout to YO! MTV Raps on cable) and every episode felt like a party. When I was a pre-teen I looked forward to watching this show on Fridays (it was on every night, but because I had to get up really early for school I could only watch on Fridays) with about ten times the intensity I currently have for new episodes of The Office. I would tune in just to see what he called “The Dog Pound” and everything after that was a bonus. This show should be made available online or on DVD ASAP.

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